It's 8am, I've been awake since about 5:30am, and my mind has been racing. When I was in Utah two weeks ago I had two days without a husband or kids. For the first time in a VERY long time, I felt like JENN again. Not wife Jenn. Not mom Jenn. Just Jenn. I was happy. I like being just Jenn. Life is easier, I can be selfish, I can be rested, I can focus on ME and do what I want to do. To be honest, I don't remember what that was like. I got married at 19 and it all seems so long ago that I was just Jenn. I can't help but long for that life again on days like today when my grandparents and aunt were able to get up early and head up to DC for a fun day of sight seeing and I'm stuck here with my kids, as always. Not that I necessarily want to head into DC (been there done that a million times), but I'd love the FREEDOM to do so.
There are so many women in my life that I feel like are "natural born mothers." I, unfortunately for my kids, am not one of those. I love my kids more than I can even express, but I feel like I have to strive every day to be HAPPY in what I'm doing. Maybe I would be put to better use as a working professional? My personality is such that I feel like I could be successful in the work place, whereas I feel like I continually fail as a mother and as a wife. Would I rather be single? Sometimes. Would I rather not have children? Sometimes. Would I rather be working? Sometimes. But then, I fear, I would find emptiness. I think spouses and children bring life to life. Yes, life would be easier if I was just Jenn. But it would not help me fulfill my mission here on earth-to learn, to experience the good AND bad, to grow. I guess I just need to find ways to be happy, to make myself happy as wife and mother Jenn and give up on the idea of ever being just Jenn again. I love my husband and I love my boys SO much, I really do. For some reason though, I'm struggling to find true happiness in my calling as a wife and mother.
Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions?
7 comments:
I totally understand the feeling of not knowing who you are sometimes, I started having melt-downs about this just being pregnant! I think it is important to remember the very basics, you are a daughter of God who loves you, shortcomings and all. No mother is perfect, and it can be a struggle for me to, but if you focus on putting God and your family first it is a lot easier. And as a friend recently reminded me, "this is your life now," when I made a comment about getting my life back after having a kid. Call if you need to talk!
Enjoy the season you are in and live it to the fullest. There's plenty of time to be alone after your kids grow up.
I've been having the same feelings lately especially as Cole is in the beginnings of starting his own business and I've thought that maybe I should work for him (which I won't) and how I'd have friends again since I'd be out of the house. but then I think about all the things I'd miss about my kids during the day - tantrums, kisses, playdough and all. It's hard, really hard at times!!! I too have felt the yearning to find more happiness in being a mom and I keep thinking to the Proclamation and conference talks. It's easy to be discouraged reading them as I know I fall short in so many ways, but then I remember how blessed I am to teach them, love them and nurture them and I wouldn't want it any other way. I plan to go through lds.org and search about motherhood and read and take notes and pray for a better understanding of the role of a mother and to find more joy in it. You're a great mom Jenn and your boys are lucky to have you! Can't wait to see you again!
Thanks Daisha and Mikaela, funny how great advice comes from my two kindergarten friends who I used to play dogs with! Now here we all are, all growed up and living the life of moms! =)
I think every mother has those feelings and thoughts at times. It is difficult being a mom and a wife. So much responsibility is put on you, and your needs and wants are put on the back burner. I think you have so many great qualities that make you a great mother. You love people, and this of course includes your boys, you have a sense of humor about life --and this is required to not go crazy.
I would just say realize that this is one of the most precious times in your life. Your entire life you will look back at this time with fondness. Also, there were some really great talks about mothering and parenting at the last general conference. Find them. Love you much!!
his orthodontic practice/business
Oh sweet friend. I know it is not easy and I'm guessing it only becomes more of a challenge the more kids you have. I think that's why I sew sometimes. :) Could you get out once a week or even once a month to go do something by yourself?? I know sometimes even having an hour uninterrupted helps me to feel refreshed and grateful for my life. Love you! Hang in there! Hope you get lots of hugs and kisses today.
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